The Epic Blog

This post was made at the urging of a particular member of a particular student government (whose name shall remain anonymous until I eventually slip up) that believes it is possible to score a 1200 on the PSAT (a test which only has 240 points I might add). I told her I'd post it this weekend so naturally I'm doing it on Tuesday, after a tornado warning.

That's right. Natural disasters that hit close to home encourage me to post. Wanna make something of it.

Anyways, my anonymous prodder knows who she is. Or so I would hope. I would be quite embarrassed to be called a slacker by an amnesiac

As this is the master blog, the ruling blog, the ONE BLOG... TO RULE THEM ALL, I decided that the posts must take after a more noble style of writing. Ergo, I am converting the blog into epic narration format. So I looked up another great author (or poet I should say) Homer (our names start and end with the same letters; mere coincidence? I think not!) and discovered there are four main principles of a Hunter Epic (that's right, I named my own system after myself. I'm not Modestraptor for a reason, you know) you must follow to be considered an epic poet and they go as follow:

1. State things as indirectly as possible. For instance, don't call people by their names, give vague descriptions such as "the red haired king" since no other king in the land could possibly have red hair besides Menelaus. Additionally, it is best to have about three other equally vague titles for the characters,

2. Write everything in a set meter and rhythm. That said you can more or less make up your own rhythm and then change the normal division of syllables to suit your needs. You must also change the indentations of paragraphs to suit your mad quest for metrical lines. Allow me to demonstrate. A normal conversation would read something like this under common rules:

"Hey Dave, how do you like that salad?"

"It's pretty good, good salad!"

However, under the second principle of Hunter's Epics it should read like this

"Hey Dave, how do you like
That salad?"
________"It's pretty good,
Good salad."

You see, the Epic fashion most certainly does NOT make you want to renounce your literacy and claw your eyes out so as to never witness such an abomination again. Just like I'm not a slacker who disrupts class constantly to the point of teachers' plotting my assassination.

3. Always start things in media res or, literally, too lazy to write the stuff as it happens so I'm having a giant flashback theme (Latin is a beautifully short language, isn't it?).

4. There is no fourth principle. There never was. There never will be.

Now keep in mind, my general hatred of following rules (even ones I make) so I'll probably just tell you what has been going down in the Boro since August (and gone down things have).

'Til next I post,

~Egoraptor

The Blog... LIVES!!!!!!

It has been more than 5 months since my last post and in that time it's been common belief that the Blog is "dead". That however is entirely false. Here's what really happened:

The Blog and I were driving home after another long day of school so we decided to get a soda or "pop" as they say on the West coast. We went to the vending machine outside the local Kroger, little did I know of what was to come. A marauding tribe of grocery carts took us by surprise. We fought valiantly for hours on end, using a series of elaborate but in no way choreographed kung fu moves. While I was holding my own against 8 of them, the Blog was hit upside the head and stubled out into the middle of the road. I asked myself WWDVD "What Would Darth Vader Do?" So I took a deep breath and yelled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs moments before he was hit repeatedly by a truck (I later realized in the time I used saying "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" might have been better served concoting a rescue scheme of some sort, but let's not point fingers). Then the Blog was mauled by a giant, disgruntled, peach-colored demon cat who's attack's were only stopped when a gang of Playuh Hatuhs came along and fired several shots in the Blog's buttocks (I believe the scientific term is "Popping a cap in one's ass"). Then, on a clear day, lightning came and struck the Blog. The Blog was still twitching with vague signs of life. Sadly, a Ring Wraith, or Nazgul, came and stabbed the Blog with a knife that burned with the flames of 1000 Evils. The Blog was dead.

Or at least pronounced dead for 16 hours. Then I took him to a hospital instead of the cashier from Kroger where he was upgraded to "Alive, but not really". The Blog was kept alive for 45 days via a feeding tube placed in its ethernet port. Unfortunately for the Blog, someone named Terry was hogging all of the media's tube related time slots so it remained largely unknown to the populace. I visited the Blog daily with the Blog's Rabbi (Yea, the Blog's Jewish. Wanna make something of it?) until the Rabbi and I realized that in a tube-like state of existance, the Blog wasn't very fun. So the Rabbi and I parted ways.

On the 46th day, the Blog was struck again by lightning, on a little-known hospital celebration known as Take-Tube-Patients-Out-To-A-Field Day or TTPOTAF-Day. At which point the Blog was struck by lightning yet again on a cloudless day. Defying all logic, the Blog not only survived, but LIVED AGAIN!!!!

Now full conscious, the Blog decided to go to some obscure mountain range in China, believing in generic crusader-like messages such as "Evil is bad" or "I hate sand." In the obscure mountain range, the Blog trained in that crazy ninja school from Batman Begins under the tutelage of the guy who is clearly from England but has an unspeallable Asian sounding name. The Blog remained at the Crazy Ninja School for 60 days, fighting on ice rinks (in case of an attack on Kristi Yamaguchi), or facing off against the effect of some crazy mind altering blue flower (in case of an attack on Kristi Yamaguchi) along with other mind boggling feats.

At last, the Blog returned home for 3 reasons: revenge, vengeance, and avenging things. After yet another month of enjoying his triple threat crusade, the Blog realized that the Blog was kinda being redundant (what with every other movie being about super heroes these days) so the Blog returned to the mundane life with me. I, having thought the Blog dead, was not surprised in the least to see him return home. The Lord of the Rings taught me long ago that just because you see someone die, it don't mean that they're dead. But by that time it was summer break so I didn't wanna pressure the Blog into any work... until today! The Blog has promised me he won't leave for another 5 months again.
Ergo, the Blog will return again any time between next week (when school starts) and 4 months and 29 days from now.

As Caesar once said:
Pax outus Fra (Peace out bro)

UVA

Good old UVA. A big congrats is in order. Despite paying Pete Gillen $900,000 a year to coach, they managed to find a way to finish last in the conference (or at least in a tie). For those of you without calculators, that's $225,000 per conference win. But more frightening, UVa lost to Free Shoes University in basketball. The last good player to come out there was when George H. W. Bush was president. But I am confident that UVa will get revenge in the one sport they rock at... Women's Lacrosse. Now if Free Shoes would just field a lax team....

The Long Anticipated Update

First of all, I'm now going to be updating the blog approximately whenever I feel like it. Next, I found out from the Daily Show that the Blog in now The One Medium For News... TO RULE THEM ALL! Not that I take a lot of pride in edging out Anderson Cooper 360.

In the news, the Pope, or as I call him "Popey", has been hospitilized again. It appears that at age 84, eh, you're health might deteriorate. J.P. 2.0 has had a tracheotomy surgery (i.e. a tube to help him breathe). In my humble opinion, if you are no longer able to breathe you might want to think about a replacement. I am going to use my superior Blogging powers and suggest right now that it be Mel Gibson. Before you laugh consider the following- The Passion of the Christ made 380 million in the US alone, making it the most profitable church related event since the the Temple in Jerusalem back in 33 AD. Which would you rather see- The Pontiff in his Glass Bubble Pope-mobile or Mad Max in the Last of the V8 Interceptors? Finally, you could claim to be studying the life of the pope while watching Braveheart and get away with it. Heck, I'd convert to Catholicism then.

In all fairness to facts, I did get in a slight wreck on Thursday. I'm going on the record saying it was a fender bender but I'm required to show you this picture of the wreck:

In my defense, I did it to save the world.You see I was driving in the parking lot, when all of the sudden, BANG the entire world converted to Nazism. Luckily, my car is half time machine so I was able to go back in time and stop the guy who was meddling with the fabric of the Time-Space Continuum. In order to return to my time, I had to be driving 88 miles per hour (Back to the Future taught us that). So when I returned to this age, there was a car in my way and it, uh, went downhill from there.

Two Month Anniversary

It has been two months now since I came to the legendary lands of 10SE. And what a two months it been. I would recap it but that was kind of the entire point of the newsletter.

I reached a milestone today. I cleared out all the old WAHS papers. Now, you might think that I kept them in there for some sort of sentimental value attached to that fact but you'd think wrong. I kept those in there mostly, in fact I can say confidently, entirely because of laziness. I actually only put about 5 papers in there this past grading period. Terrible confusion and pandemonium. Countless hours were wasted finding papers in my scavenger hunt style of organization.

On a elated subject, 10SE's and SHS'S academic record took another blow today when, despite my best efforts otherwise, I got all A's on my report card. I'm both shocked and disappointed that the system failed so miserably.

Baseball has begun spring training or as I like to call it now The "I-can-play-without-steroids-just-fine" training. Now we'll get a glimpse of the media circus to come. If any player hit 30 HR's last year and bats under .250 in April this year, he'll be on Sportscenter for a week with every talk show wondering if he took steroids. And if there's a player who hit under .250 last year and has a good April, he'll be accused of taking steroids? SO best bet for Major Leaguers: DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID LAST YEAR. Nothing more, nothing less.

In the future i'll try to keep this updated more often. I'm shooting for another post Thursday.

I'm too lazy for a title

Hi everybody! (Now you say "Hi Egoraptor") Today, I'd like to give a shoutout to Big L for shamelessly promoting my blog on his site. You sell out the right way, my bro.

First of all, I was stunned by this headline Monday morning http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,146684,00.html
Apparently MA now teaches math classes whose first priority is to teach cultural and racial equality then algebra, geometry, and all the other "traditional" math. The students there are so desperate that they're enrolled in the Russian School of Math. Do you have any idea how bad the math over there is if they're turning to the Russians for help? The Russians don't even use the same numbers as we do! But in all fairness to MA, have you ever read those books? Here are two problems from the book they used to use:

27. If a Black Panther has 7 White Devils and sends 5 of them to the Great Satan that made them, how many White Devils are left?
32. If a Grand Imperial Wizard has 35 Negroes and can cleanse 3 of them in a Klan meeting, how many meetings will it take to cleanse all of them?

I'm not gonna list anymore because otherwise I'll get beat up by both africans and caucasians. But on the bright side, it would integrate them in raw hatred of me.
Seriously though those books had some serious problems with integration. There was an endless tide of malice between the x's and the y's. It was always like they were on opposite sides of the problem and algebra was just proliferating that shameful tradition of traditional shame.

But moving on:

Democrats abroad can finally celebrate a national victory for a Democratic Candidate... The DNC Chairperson. It was Howard Dean, former presidential shoe-in. But now the Dems can finally rally round someone who embodies the very essence of the Democrats: losing.

Not much has been happening at SHS so there's nothing to report there.

Until I get bored again,
Hunter

The One Blog

I am the Dark Lord Egoraptor and I have forged in secret the master blog, the ruling blog, the one blog... TO RULE THEM ALL!

Here's a little history for you who don't know why you came here (maybe you're stupid, a bad typer, or just hopelessly wandering the depths of cyber space like the alley cat you are): I recently moved to the state of 10SE. And by recently I mean about 1 and a half months ago. I decided to keep my adoring fans (all 6 of them) in touch by publishing a newsletter. This, however, proved to be a difficult task given the length it had to be and my inate laziness. So in 7 weeks I only got about 3 published. Then a teacher/mentor/friend/clown-by-night suggested I start a blog. In retrospect, he was the One Teacher/Mentor/Friend/Clown-By-Night... TO RULE THEM ALL!!! So desptie my very best efforts, I have started the blog. Let's get a few rules settled first before the posting madness ensues.

The One Set of Rules... TO RULE THEM ALL!!!

1. No potty mouth. If you use potty mouth, I will smite your comment with my awesome blog master mastery of blogs. I highly doubt this will be a problem since this is a largely comedy based blog, but hey, I know some Lamar (who you may recall fails to understand the art of donutry) sympathizers might get a little tense. Anyone who's listened to Eminem has already heard all the cuss words on the book and Slim Shady knows how to use them better than you, so don't try to show off. If the demand for cussing gets too great, then I'll just post The Real Slim Shady and Without Me for you to download, OK?
2. No whining. Don't be Electronic Girly Men. This site isn't here for you to whine about stuff you don't like. It's here for me to whine about stuff I don't like. Never forget that, EVER!
3. No name calling. That's what pinheads do, you're not a pinhead are you? Because if you are, I'm gonna have to point at you and say "Pinhead, pinhead" over and over until I get bored or see a squirrel outside.
4. Don't correct people's grammar, even if you are an english teacher. It's really, really annoying to have someone waste time pointing out typos etc. Make your arguments on principle not some obscure points. And futhermore, croerct selpilng inst gonig to hlep ayndoby bceause as lnog as the fsirt and lsat ltertes ramien the smae, the hamun mnid can slitl dcepiehr tehm. So save yourself a bunch of time and save your grammatical apple shining for your english teacher.
5. Do not say "TO RULE THEM ALL!" Only I may say that.
6. Do not disrespect "TO RULE THEM ALL!" no matter how many times I say it. I like it. Nuff said.

Do:
1. Post footage of that crazy water skiing squirrel. That rocks.
2. Post unique ideas and viewpoints. Don't just regurgitate Talking Points memos or I will smite you and your comment... OLD SCHOOL!
3. Post your own hilarious viewpoints.
4. Respect the phrase "TO RULE THEM ALL!"
5. Whatever it is you do at other blogs.

I'll add more posts to the site as the week progresses. I'm gonna try to update the site about 3 or 4 times a week.

~Hunter Tenessius Egoraptor