The Epic Blog

This post was made at the urging of a particular member of a particular student government (whose name shall remain anonymous until I eventually slip up) that believes it is possible to score a 1200 on the PSAT (a test which only has 240 points I might add). I told her I'd post it this weekend so naturally I'm doing it on Tuesday, after a tornado warning.

That's right. Natural disasters that hit close to home encourage me to post. Wanna make something of it.

Anyways, my anonymous prodder knows who she is. Or so I would hope. I would be quite embarrassed to be called a slacker by an amnesiac

As this is the master blog, the ruling blog, the ONE BLOG... TO RULE THEM ALL, I decided that the posts must take after a more noble style of writing. Ergo, I am converting the blog into epic narration format. So I looked up another great author (or poet I should say) Homer (our names start and end with the same letters; mere coincidence? I think not!) and discovered there are four main principles of a Hunter Epic (that's right, I named my own system after myself. I'm not Modestraptor for a reason, you know) you must follow to be considered an epic poet and they go as follow:

1. State things as indirectly as possible. For instance, don't call people by their names, give vague descriptions such as "the red haired king" since no other king in the land could possibly have red hair besides Menelaus. Additionally, it is best to have about three other equally vague titles for the characters,

2. Write everything in a set meter and rhythm. That said you can more or less make up your own rhythm and then change the normal division of syllables to suit your needs. You must also change the indentations of paragraphs to suit your mad quest for metrical lines. Allow me to demonstrate. A normal conversation would read something like this under common rules:

"Hey Dave, how do you like that salad?"

"It's pretty good, good salad!"

However, under the second principle of Hunter's Epics it should read like this

"Hey Dave, how do you like
That salad?"
________"It's pretty good,
Good salad."

You see, the Epic fashion most certainly does NOT make you want to renounce your literacy and claw your eyes out so as to never witness such an abomination again. Just like I'm not a slacker who disrupts class constantly to the point of teachers' plotting my assassination.

3. Always start things in media res or, literally, too lazy to write the stuff as it happens so I'm having a giant flashback theme (Latin is a beautifully short language, isn't it?).

4. There is no fourth principle. There never was. There never will be.

Now keep in mind, my general hatred of following rules (even ones I make) so I'll probably just tell you what has been going down in the Boro since August (and gone down things have).

'Til next I post,

~Egoraptor